The truth is, what happened 18 months ago is in the past. The truth is, even writing my story, I continued to play the victim, full of self pity. The truth is, that story is over. It’s taken 18 months and writing it all out for me to accept what happened; it was the result of my mistakes. I can’t play the victim because I wasn’t one. I went down a road I shouldn’t have and that is where it led. I’m not the same person I was back then and I’m very glad of that. I’m not even the same person who wrote those first few posts, full of resentment and constantly feeling sorry for myself. I used to beat myself up thinking about how I had brought it all on myself, the truth is, I did. I can’t blame anyone or change what happened, I can’t continue to be angry at Jack when in reality, I was better off without him. I can only accept it and hope that sharing my story of abortion will maybe help even one woman feel less ashamed or embarressed by her decision. I know that I made the right choice for me at the time, and I wouldn’t change it. It was a traumatic experience and one that I wouldn’t wish on anyone, yet it happens to women all the time.
To this day I still occasionally think about what might have happened if I had chosen differently. What that child might be like, what they’d look like, the colour of their eyes, their hair. I don’t know if this is how other women feel, what I do know is that I was unprepared for the emotional trauma that having an abortion brought me. I believed I was strong enough to come out the other side and move on, but I wasn’t. I guess I thought that if I was brave enough to make this decision, then I would be brave enough to make it through without becoming overwhelmed. I do still believe that bravery is the right word for the choice I made. There is so much taboo, so much negativity and contraversy surrounding abortion, you might feel pressurised into accepting and continuing the pregnancy without being emotionally, financially or psychologically prepared for it. I’m not saying that what I did was courageous or inspiring, but I followed my gut and did my best not to feel ashamed of that. I don’t believe any woman should be ashamed of that.
18 months on Jack is still with Tessa and from what I gather, they are happy. Tessa and I even parted on friendly terms, though I never speak to Jack anymore. I guess I still feel a little resentment towards him because of what my relationship with him led to, and ultimately this is the part of me I want to change.
Henry’s support never waivered, and to this day whenever I make a mistake or start to doubt myself, he accepts, forgives and reassures me. Henry is what got me through the events of last year, and what continues to get me through all the big and small problems that we face. I will always be thankful that he is in my life, a man who loves me despite all my biggest mistakes.